Today I sat and thought on what it means to have asperger's. That credence to the malady which has so wound it's destiny over my very existence. At first I had not thought of this, but in my seclusion, thoughts slowly drifted towards painful times in my past, times of shame and suffering. As I thought about it, I began to understand what the issues that I'm facing actually are. It allowed me introspection that I would not have thought possible without the shield of the name, and the understanding of what that name meant. As I thought and wondered, I asked myself questions about certain events, and replaced myself with a child. For all my understanding, some part of me is still young, and I do not believe certain parts of me can change. Though I resigned myself to understand that I am who I am, despite what the spectres of my past might say, I still feel on some level that I was wronged; though hate does not strongly flow through me. As such, I am wont to reveal too much on my blog. I have heard the stories and lamentations of those too bold with their words with persons unknown, and I have no such desire to open myself to be impaled in such a way. Still though, I want to share... well not fear so much anymore, but painful truth. It is painful because I can not put blame on another, using anger to shield myself from it. Nor can I look at myself and hate myself either, for it is not exactly my and mine which caused such strife. Nor is it society, where so often misunderstanding is the bane of innocence.
As I sit and watch the newscast, I see things here and there, and wonder. This judgement they have cast, was it right? If a child had stubbed his or her toe and cried, would they slap it? Why is so much pity cast on the weak and expectations set that all others are one? Is it right?
What is the truth that they see, that justifies their judgements? How far do they see the ripples that have been made by blowing on the water. I see it, because I know it. I know the torrent that can result of laughter made to a wall, with the vibrations echoing all about. But there is no connection for them. Or they simply deny responsibility as an oath of duty. This brings up so many thoughts and feelings, that I do not believe I have the space on this blog to acquit it with.